When Your Author Becomes a Fish

I feel I have faced a unique circumstance as an author pet. I figured I’d share my experience with you and hope you can prepare yourself should this happen to your author.

My author is very dedicated to her work. She loves to experience what she writes about. Like me, she believes in the value of experiential knowledge. Sometimes though, I think she takes it too far. In order to prepare for writing her newest installment of the Through Dragon Eyes universe (spoilers), she has transformed herself into a fish.

You heard correctly. A fish.

Now, as you know, humans lack fur. They have to put terribly made fur bags over their bodies everyday to protect their naked-mole-rat like skin.

Yes, I’m sure you can see where this is leading. In order to become a fish, my author had to have a fin and scales made for her. So she contacted a place called Swimtails and had an aqua sea goddess tail made. She said something about the fluke being huge and ‘natural looking.’ Let me tell you, there is nothing natural about a human wearing a fish tail.

My confusion and curiosity spiked, I asked the mermaiding community on Instagram (yes there is a large community of humans who want to be fish) why a human might want to do this. The only answer I got from one lovely mermaid was it is “fun” and “to see bigger fish”. Clearly even the humans don’t know why they are called to become fish, but some are. I have to say, I am hypnotized by the beautiful tail colours and the way the fake fins move about in the water. They do look like real fish.

Even the humans don’t know why they are called to become fish

It took a bit, but the box finally arrived containing my author’s tail. The box was of good quality cardboard that felt great beneath my bean toes. Although too narrow to sit in, it was wide enough to sit on. You can see my review of this box on Youtube and here:

 

Then my author unboxed the tail and I was able to assess the tail quality. The tail came in a crinkly, shiny, blue paper that did look mystical and water-like. It makes an excellent toy and satisfying crinkle. The sun catches it well in the light and it is a sturdy quality wrapper. I approve of the wrapping very much. This lead me to believe the tail maybe a genuine fish tail after all.

As an author pet, it is important to assess quality of all aspects of your author’s experiment. If it isn’t quality, your author’s writing will suffer.

The tail itself was well made by the team at Swimtails and had very pretty colours. The fabric is a scuba-knit, or so my author tells me. I’m not sure what that means. The fluke was, indeed, very large. It felt soft and smooth beneath my bean toes, but it felt nothing like a fish. I tried to tell my author this, but she wouldn’t listen or didn’t understand. I’m not sure which.

You can see my review of the tail here:

Then my author put it on.

Then my author put it on. When your author becomes a fish, you will feel very strange. At first, you may be afraid. You might think “What is this giant sea-monster doing in my home?” and you may not recognize your author. Then, when you make out the author behind the fish tail, you’ll start to wonder for your author’s sanity and if the dedication to their writing craft has, in fact, gone too far. This may be the case, but there is nothing you can do. You can only let this horrible phase run its course.

You’ll start to wonder for your author’s sanity and if the dedication to their writing craft has, in fact, gone too far.

Your author may take to wearing their fish tail, also called a mermaid tail according to Instagram people, while they write. When you get a glimpse of scales, your first instinct if you are an author’s cat is to hunt the fish. This is not advisable. Your mind has tricked you. There is no fish.

There is no fish.

If you attempt to attack the fish tail, your author will become very upset. I had enough restraint not to attack my author’s tail.

Your author will flip their fins joyfully. See my author flipping her fins:

 

They will also do the horrible, the unthinkable, the terrible. They will actually go into the water wearing the fish tail. This is when you know it has gone too far. Your author is beyond help. You can only stand back and watch as they submerge themselves below the water and slowly drown.

Their fins will make you once again confused. You’ll think there is a real fish. I repeat. There is no fish. You cannot eat the fish no matter how much you crave salmon sashimi. Sashimi cravings will increase tenfold. There will be no escaping the intense cravings for fish. But your author is now a fish and you will not be able to stomach fish because of this. It will be a terrible time.

You will think it is all over. It isn’t.

Then they will emerge, gasping for air. You will think it is all over. It isn’t. They will dive again. And again. In their pursuit for their writing craft they will become the fish. They will go too far. They will get out of the water, don’t worry. They will take the tail off. Things will seem normal for a while. They aren’t. Your author will try to become a fish again and again.

Things will seem normal for a while. They aren’t.

Things will never be the same. You will have to accept this. As long as your author is still writing and feeding you, you must accept that your author now believes they are a fish. There is nothing you can do. Someday, maybe this will pass. Maybe.

There is nothing you can do.